If I Can't Love Her
by elphabachan
Summary: Hyde has time to think, and regrets his actions. But he knows it's too late, because she's gone.


**If I Can't Love Her**

A/N: Well, I think we need some Hyde angst to go along with the Jackie angst. Set after GOODBYE TO YOU and even more directly after FROM BROADWAY TO BASEMENTS. Not long after either, though.

Disclaimer: I own neither THAT 70S SHOW nor the song IF I CAN'T LOVE HER from the Beauty and the Beast musical (SO GOOD!!!).

He stared up at the ceiling, his fiancée sleeping next to him. He looked at the clock, and sighed angrily. Still not sleeping, I see, he thought to himself. You may never sleep again. He chuckled at the thought, and sat up. He put on his nearest pair of jeans, the dirty ones, and looked at the opened box on the floor by the door of Laurie's room turned his and Sam's room. The Led Zeppelin shirt was in it, and he snatched it up quickly. You're mine again, he mused, and slipped it over his shoulders. It smelled like lilac. Why did it have to smell like her?

"Where are you going?" Sam asked, groggily. Though it was more of a demand. She could demand even when half asleep.

"Go back to sleep," he said, grabbing his jacket off the hook of the door. She groaned, but obliged. Hyde reached for his sunglasses, and slipped them on. Wearing sunglasses at night, how pointless, he thought. But then again, they didn't protect him from the sun. Just his true feelings. He figured the lapse of stoicism a few days before was all because he didn't have his sunglasses. As much as he knew that was a stupid idea, it was nice to try and believe it, because if he didn't he had no way to explain it.

Except that he missed her.

_And in my twisted face,_

_There's not the slightest trace_

_Of anything that even hints of kindness._

_And from my tortured shape, _

_No comfort, no escape._

_I see, but deep within is utter blindness._

_Hopeless, as my dream dies, as the time flies._

_Love a lost illusion._

_Helpless, unforgiven. _

_Cold, and driven to this sad conclusion…_

He drove. He didn't know where he was driving, but he just had to drive. Driving helped him think. His head hurt, probably because of the bar he stopped at before going home that night, and the multiple beers he had purchased and downed in the course of two hours. He knew he shouldn't have been drinking so much, his liver was going to make him regret it, but at the same time it just wasn't worth thinking about. He was going to drink no matter what his better sense told him to do. He took a long drag off his cigarette, and flicked the ash out the open window. The only people who nagged him about his smoking habit were Kitty and Donna. He just didn't do it around Kitty and Donna was leaving for Madison with Eric in a week. So why not take up smoking again? Besides, he had only quit in the first place because Jackie made him. 'It's bad for you!' she'd say. 'And it makes you smell gross!' He chuckled a little, thinking about how she would nag him. It drove him nuts, but at the same time he could handle it. Her nagging, unlike Donna's, was tolerable.

He stopped the car near the spot of that fateful Veteran's Day pseudo date. Though he told people he went to the water tower to think, he actually went to this spot. He wished it didn't mean as much to him as it did, but there wasn't anything he could do about that. Only time could fix that association. He sat on the hood of the car, and tugged at the shirt a little bit. His finger stuck through a small hole.

"Aw hell," he muttered. It was more worn than when he gave it to her. What, had she washed it with a bunch of safety pins or something? But of course, the fact it was more worn just meant that she wore it. He never saw it on her unless she was sleeping, and even then it was rare. But he knew that she must have worn it a lot when he wasn't looking. He smelled it despite himself, and swore under his breath. I'm never going to get her scent off this damn thing, he thought. I just know that however many times it's washed it's still going to smell like she does. Did. Does? It wasn't like she was dead, but she was certainly gone. He couldn't bring himself to deal with it. Sure, he'd cried when he found the shirt was in the package, also in spite of himself, but some part of him just expected her to come back. Even now, he was just waiting for her to come up the small hill and sit on the hood of the car, like he was doing, in a bittersweet salute to their first date.

_No beauty could move me._

_No goodness improve me._

_No power on Earth, if I can't love her._

_No passion could reach me._

_No lesson could teach me._

_How I could have loved her, and_

_make her love me too._

_If I can't love her, then who?_

"What are you doing here?" he asked himself. "You'll never move on if you sit and mope and wish that Jackie was still here. She made your life hell, man." He didn't answer himself, for that would be the true sign of a crazy person. He just finished his cigarette and threw it on the ground.

"I thought I'd find you here," the voice said. For a second he thought it was her, but when he turned it was Donna.

"What the hell are you doing out here?" he asked. She sat on the hood with him, and arched her eyebrows at him.

"Your fiancée called me and said you'd left," Donna said. "I kind of wish you hadn't given her my number, you jackass." He chuckled, and she smiled at him.

"I'm just surprised you found me here, I usually go to the Water Tower."

"Bull."

"Okay, it's bull. But how did you know THIS is the place I come to?"

"Are you kidding? Jackie told me the story of your first date so many times I have every little detail memorized," Donna said, sardonically. "She also told me some things you guys did up here that I never wanted to hear, so thanks for that."

"Well her big mouth isn't any fault of mine," Hyde said. Donna chuckled, and nodded.

"So are you okay?" she asked, even though she knew the answer. Everyone knew the answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "Just have to get used to all the changes. Never really thought about everyone growing up and moving on. For a year or two there I thought we'd all be here until we died. Turns out that's just me."

"… And Fez," Donna pointed out. Hyde genuinely laughed, and she chuckled too.

"Yeah, and Fez," he said, and she put her arms around his shoulders. "I never thought that she would go. I just kept telling myself that she wasn't going to leave, that she would end up staying at the last minute like on some bad soap opera."

"Life isn't a soap opera."

"Mine's felt like it the past year," he stated. "I wish it didn't, but it does… And I know that you blame me for her leaving."

"Oh come on, that's not true," Donna said. "She left on her own. Sure, you didn't help things, but in the end she really wanted to go. Not because of you, because of her." He nodded, and lit another cigarette.

"Well, I'm going to get back home and try and sleep," Donna said. "I'm actually gonna tackle packing tomorrow. Eric and I leave in a week."

"Yep."

"What should I tell Sam?"

"Tell her you couldn't find me."

"Deal," she said, and hugged him quickly. "I don't mind lying to her. Don't stay out too long." With that, she turned and walked back into the trees towards her car.

Hyde wished he could believe that Jackie had only left for herself. Then his guilt wouldn't be assaulting him every night. But he knew that if he had just given her what she wanted, what he ACTUALLY wanted, then she would still be here. He leaned back on the car, and closed his eyes. These thoughts just wouldn't leave him.

_Long ago I should have seen_

_All the things I could have been._

_Careless and unthinking I moved onward._

"Steven?" He sat up, and looked behind him. And there she was. Just as beautiful, just the same. It was Jackie.

"Jackie?" he asked. She smiled, and nodded. "I thought you were going to New York."

"I needed to know one thing before I left."

"What? What is it?"

"Do you love me?" she asked, her voice ethereal.

"God yes, you know I do, Jackie, you know I do."

"Really?"

"Yes, yes, I love you." She smiled, and hopped up and down. "Jackie, I've loved you for so long now, even though I never said it and I acted like it wasn't true, I do. I love you, I want you in my life and almost losing you made me understand that." He hopped off the car, and put his hands to her face.

"I've waited so long to hear you say that!" she said, tears falling down her face. "I love you too." He threw his arms around her, and was going to go in for a long and wonderful kiss, a kiss that was going to prove just how much he loved her. A kiss that would start their new life together, a life where he wouldn't screw up, where he would marry her and have children with her and grow old with her.

But the kiss didn't happen. Because he sat up on the hood of the car, awake once again. He was confused, and looked around.

"Jackie?" he asked, and then realized what it had been. He must have been sleepier than he felt. And it wasn't as if this wasn't a variation of the same dream he'd had every night since she had left. He ripped the sunglasses off his face in frustration. "Dammit…. FUCK." He slammed his fist down on the hood of the car, over and over again until he couldn't feel the pain in his hands anymore, and didn't stop until he realized he was crying again. Not violent all out sobbing, but simple tears were falling down his face. Am I just going to have this dream over and over again until I die? He jumped off the hood of the car, and wiped his eyes on his arm.

_No pain could be deeper,_

_No life could be cheaper._

_No point anymore, if I can't love her._

_No spirit could win me,_

_No hope left within me._

_Hope I could have loved her_

_And that she'd set me free…_

After he'd composed himself, and had another cigarette to calm his nerves, he got back in his car. Well buddy, you've pretty much doomed yourself to a life of loneliness, he thought. You have a fiancée you don't love, your best friends are all leaving, and you let the woman you do love get away. All for what? Pride? Spite? What good are these things if they don't make you happy? He sighed, and shrugged.

"I don't know," he muttered. "I just don't know." He started up the car, and wished that he could live in a dream forever. At least in dreams he was happy, even if they were just lies the mind told you as you slept. Sometimes lies are better than the truth. And the truth was he knew that he would never be as happy as he was when she was in his life. So he would simply have to live his life without her, and try to find happiness somewhere else. He looked out the window into the forest, where she had come from in his dream. It was still, save for the late summer breeze that made the leaves dance.

"Well," he said. "Off to live your life to the best of your ability." He pulled away from their spot, and vowed to never return there again.

He got back home at three thirty, and Sam sat up.

"Go back to sleep," he said, and she obliged. He climbed into bed, and didn't reciprocate the cuddles she gave him as she dozed back to sleep. As he fell into sleep, he smelled his shirt one last time. Lilacs aren't all bad, he thought, and went back into his dream world. And as he dreamed, he smiled more than he did while awake.

_But it's not to be._

_If I can't love her,_

_Let the world be done with me_.

The End

A/N: I hope you guys liked it. It makes me sad, but honestly, he deserves it, in my opinion. And for new readers who want happier J/H stuff, go read my first story, THE PRODIGAL CHEERLEADER (I just have to promote it, it's my opus). Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!


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